Hi! How are you doing?
I am doing fine!
We are having such a wonderful sunny day despite we are in the rainy season =D.
Since I have been helping people outside
to buy stuffs from Japan for 7 years
mostly people of Hello! Project fans,
I often asked if I am H!P fan myself. As the matter of fact, I am not (>_<)!!
Every time I got asked, I feel like, would it sound all right…..
most of the time it looks all right, so I guess it is ok (I hope!).
The LovendoR live I attended last month (May) was actually the first live I joined.
I really enjoy get to know people from other countries.
I believe this is what I was born with =D.
When I was 4th grade,
my parents house was up on the hill kind of,
so I needed to go up a long steps to get back home from school.
One day of my 4th grade year, when I finished climbing up the long stairs
and I thought
I want to become friends with all over the world.
It is funny why I thought that on that day, but I clearly remember that
I thought it at the top of the stairs (^ – ^).
So without knowing, the situation now is
pretty much the dream comes true situation for little Nozomi.
Pretty neat to think about it.
I will be kind of a long story so I will make this in several posts though,
about 8 years ago,
I made a blog on Japan named “Peep at Japanese Life?”.
Still old articles are there if you are interested in it.
Back then, I was resting at my parents house for depression.
I have had my depression since I was like 18.
Since back at the time, depression was not widely known in Japan
so I did not know what was wrong with me until I got 26 or so.
I happened to pick a book on depression at a book store and read it and found out that the thing
I was having was depression.
Fortunately I am all well know now.
I am not so sure if every one is familiar with the term “dysfunctional family”
but the family I grew up in is one of those and I got depression from the stress the family had.
I believed for a long time that my mother was not able to be happy
because of the birth of my brothers and me.
She stuck with an unhappy marriage because we were born.
I have been basically a cheerful girl, but when something happened,
I don’t thing something was such a big deal objectively, but it got me so deep and made me feel suicidal.
It was because I believed down inside that my birth was not right.
I did not realize that I felt this way until my 32 or 33, it was so deep down myself that I was not aware
that I was feeling that way myself. Might sounds a bit odd? But it was.
That thought of my birth being wrong for my mother was giving me real pain
but when I noticed it, it got all better.
Realizing that my mother being unhappy with her marriage was the choice of her lifted so much of
the burden I was carrying.
Mmmmm….. weird, it is getting somewhere else than the fun I have with associating
with people from other countries, haha! Oh well, I guess it is OK. It is about myself (^ – ^).
And I know there are people out there having the same kind of issues. Good to share I guess.
So early 30s, I encountered the most severe depression in my life and resting
without doing almost nothing.
Just sleep eat, that was about it I did. And then after a while I regained my energy
and thought to write an English blog.
And I did, and I made friends through the blog.
Unfortunately along with the major change on the platform on 20six, the blog platform
I used for blogging, many friends through the blog kind of spread away,
since the usage of the blogging became widely inconvenient.
I still have contact with some of them via facebook but lost contact with many of them. * sad *
Woooo this is getting pretty long so I will write more on the different post.
I met a guy from England through the blog
who was fan of a Japanese band “The Yellow Monkey” :).
He is one of the key person
with what I do now (helping people from other countries buy stuffs from Japan).
~~~~ To be continued ~~~~~
Phil · June 15, 2013 at 12:59 am
hi! I was searching for H!P stuff and found your blog! Thank you for taking your time to share stuff from Japan with us!
I was reading your blog post about your depression and it hit me hard as well. I’m 32 and had been depressed for a few years and trying to get my way out of it. I sometimes even thought about suicide as well:(
Hopefully, I’ll go to Japan one day, but I sometimes feel heartbroken that I will never be able to get to go, especially when my parents and some people think I’m crazy for liking Japanese things and all. It hurts me sometimes that I just cry.
Sometimes, I just wish I had a friend to talk to about Japan, but that’s even hard to.
Well, hopefully, this reply finds you well and hope to hear from you soon. Hopefully, I can also order from you soon as well, since my birthday was a couple of days ago.
nozomi · June 15, 2013 at 3:54 pm
Oh you are H!P fan?
The depression is kind of not neat thing to have, isn’t it??
I cannot tell about everyone’s case, but with my case, when I realized what was the cause of it, it got all better.
At the age 32, it was my hardest if I remember correctly.
Right now, I am trying to find people who give me positive messages and love me =).
Some cases (probably not very little cases), their own family are not the ones who give you the positive messages and love you the way you are.
Recently, I am making decision to leave my family and abandon my desire that my family is reliable as I would want them to be.
I think this will do me well. I have gotten much better than I was like 10 years ago, but I think I can be even happier with choosing nicer people to be with (*^^*).
Hope your depression will be better in time too.
Don’t you have friends who love Japan and H!P?? I am not a fan myself, I have many friends who are! Maybe you can be friends with them as well =D.
….Do you think you are crazy??
It is sad when you feel like what other people are saying is right and that is something negative about you, isn’t it?? But you do not have to believe them. It needs a bit of strength of yourself though.
I hope you will learn how to do it!!
Thank you very much for your comment!!
P.S. I am at my niece house and be back home on Monday night next week so my reply might gets slower than usual. Just thought about letting you know ;)!
Phil · June 16, 2013 at 8:13 pm
thank you so much for replying back!
I’m not only and H!P person, but also like AKB48 as well, since I got to see them in LA in 2010. Sadly, I don’t have people around me at all where I live who like the same things I do:(
It’s like sometimes when I feel like I can beat depression, the worry and everything else seems to bring it back to full force and I just feel like crying.
It’s like sometimes I don’t know what to do. It’s like I don’t have a purpose or don’t know what to do in my life while everyone else is fulfilling theirs. I just wish I knew what it was:(
I just wish I had the strength to beat it or wish I could move far away..I just feel trapped in the town that I live with nowhere to go.
Hopefully, maybe I can beat it this year, but no promises, but I do hope you find your purpose as well, maybe a friendship will grow here as well.
Thank you for replying back and look forward to hearing you soon!
nozomi · June 18, 2013 at 5:16 pm
Hey hey~ =D!
Ah~ you are also AKB fan ne!
There are people who love both!!
I just came home from my niece place yesterday. Surprised with my new part time job shift in many days in this week (@<>@).
Hum… are you in a bad condition at the moment?? I am not sure about how all the other people handle with their depression though, in my case, fighting or ignoring were not the good way to deal with it.
I mean I tried to ignore it for pretty long time, but just be with it was better.
It is hard to explain though….. one time I tried to undergo the anxiety, not to wipe it off as I used to.
It was because I read a book on Morita therapy I believe.
In my case, if I try to just be with the anxiety, noticed that it will not grow as I expected it to be.
It may not sound exciting to do it haha, but if you feel like trying, then do it. Might work for you too ;).
I am packed with things at the moment, so please kindly note that my reply may not be as quick as I want to~~~.
Have a great day ne!!
Phil · June 18, 2013 at 10:24 pm
Hi again! 😀 Hope everything was good for you this past weekend!
It’s really my anxiety sometimes that makes me panic, not knowing what’s going on at all. I’m not sure what being with anxiety means. Maybe we can help each other with it if it’s ok.
Somehow I like to learn Japanese too, but it’s so hard for me when I try to watch shows..
Pretty bad day at work with a lot of things going on. Kinda wish I was on one of the trains talking to you, silly isn’t it?
Hopefully, you have a good day and this finds you well! xoxoxo
nozomi · June 24, 2013 at 1:00 pm
Hiya Phil :),
> I’m not sure what being with anxiety means.
> Maybe we can help each other with it if it’s ok.
I see. Hum, if you are interested in knowing what is being with anxiety means, I would recommend you to read some books on “Morita therapy”.
It probably does not state as “being with anxiety” but you would probably see, like be the way you are even if something making you worry and stuffs like that.
I think there are not much I can do to help other people’s issues.
Since I have been having issues for a long time, I was interested in help solving other people’s problems before.
What I learned from it though, was that the person who can solve the issue is herself or himself.
Not saying that other people cannot do anything at all, but probably 5% at most.
So, if you are interested in the idea,
I would recommend you to go to some book stores and check out the books on “Morita therapy”. It may give you a new aspect to your issue :).
Thanks! I am doing well!!
Hope you are too ;)!
Phil · June 24, 2013 at 10:52 pm
Hi again! I was actually thinking today, ‘wonder what nozomi is doing right now?’:D
You’re right about the only person who can help themselves is his/herself. These attacks just seem to go in spurts, like today, I feel fine and just last week or two I felt really horrible since no one remembered my birthday.
Usually, I don’t have time to do anything but work all the time and when you live in a small time like I do, there really isn’t anything to do. Can’t even leave to go on a vacation somewhere either:(
One thing that has helped me a lot was that I moved out of my parents house last year because of all the arguing and..well, let’s just say there was a lot of things going wrong I can’t disclose on here, but it still hurts nonetheless:(
Point is, moving out was the best thing for me, since I finally had freedom and a little happiness for the first time in a long time. Now I just wish I had some friends to talk to…too bad there’s no way you can fly down here right?:P
Hopefully you’re doing okay and can’t wait to hear you again very soon!;)
nozomi · June 25, 2013 at 2:35 am
I just woke up and noticed a message from you.
Oh, you had your birthday recently? Mine was in May :).
Happy birthday to you (*^^*)!
I know it is a bit late, but guess it is OK since I did not know it ne :p.
You moved out from your parents last year ne?
Congrats! I truly believe if you do not have a good chemical with certain people, keep the right distance is the best thing to do.
So I think you did a great job with it!
* thumbs up for ya *
Sorry that you need to work long hours….. I do not like working long hours (^^;.
Hope, you will find some fun stuffs to do on your off time!
I do not play it much, but I have a guitar (I bought it last autumn and do not really know how to play yet), one time I felt such a joy touching the instrument =D.
Not sure if that was the one time thing.
I thought it would happen like all the time but the next time I touched it, it did not happen haha. Mysterious =D!
Haaaa I am hungry~~~.
I am expecting a post man coming to pick up my stuffs in short. Will wake myself up and work!
Have a wonderful day Phil!!
Phil · June 25, 2013 at 3:11 am
Hi nozomi! Didn’t realize you would respond quickly:p
I didn’t realize your birthday was last month, so happy belated birthday.
I just ate just now and will sleep in about an hour. Just listening to the rain out here, just wished it rained all night since it’s good sleeping weather.
Wish I could play the guitar, would love to hear you perform:-) if you like, we could send letters, I always wanted to see pictures of Japan. Of course, there’s not much here in my town:P
I’m also waiting for the post to bring me something, so hopefully it will come in this week.
Hope you do have a good day at work and hear from you soon! 😀