Today, I will write about something personal.
I have been not feeling super well for past 2 weeks.
It started on August 14th.
Got better last Thursday on 22nd but still feel sad sometimes so guess still something is getting me.
As I have written a little about my family and my depression in an older post
the family I grew up in is a twisted one.
It is called “dysfunctional family” in the psychological term.
I went to a festival with one of my band mates on August 13th.
I was thinking about going to the festival by myself on 13th or 14th.
We were chatting on LINE, and I had something to give him
so thought about meeting him up somewhere to give it and then
asked him if he would like to go to the fes with me and he said yes so we went together.
After the fes, we were chatting in his car as we sometimes do.
While we were talking, he mentioned something about his sister’s family.
The daughter of her sister is having hard time at the moment and stuffs.
Since I grew up in a stressful family for kids,
I was saying that she probably needs to do something she enjoys
not to care about the achievement, she probably is 20 years old now,
but probably cannot know what she likes to do,
what she enjoys if she could not train to feel it until now.
I also talked about my family stuffs.
I was living at parents house till early summer 3 years ago.
I wanted to move out someday
(I was at their place to rest since I have very severe depression on my early 30s)
but how I moved out was not something amusing.
I have 2 brothers. My middle brother has schizophrenia.
He was like a disabled man once like 9 year ago, but he got a lot better in years with medication.
Schizophrenia is an illness that he or she does not notice he/she has it.
It has hallucination and auditory hallucination as the symptom.
I assume it must be really hard if he/she sees or hears things without knowing they are false.
Anyways, July 3 years ago, I assume my brother had cut his medication
at some point probably because he did not know he was ill or something.
One day when my parents were gone,
I thought about cooking for myself before I went out that night,
asked him if he wanted me to fix something for him too.
He got raged and shouted something like “you don’t need to worry about meal”.
Since I did not know that he had his symptom back,
I got mad a bit and shouted “what is your problem” or something.
I was at the middle of the ladders since his room was upstairs,
I was talking to him from the downstairs at first but climbed a bit to talk to him.
While I was talking to him he looked like he was kicking me down
so I backed down the steps and tried to talk to him,
since the way he acted was quite odd and I started to think that something was going on with him.
He came down the stairs while we were talking,
he looked like he was going to punch me so I grabbed his arms to prevent it and asked him questions.
What I found out over the conversation was
that he thought I was poisoning my family when I cook.
He also said that I was putting something poisoning to the laundries
that he felt numbness (?) when he did laundry.
It was really sad that he thought that way,
I was sad the fact he was thinking that way but also sad since I believed he was only getting better.
After that, I called up my parents cell phones.
Mother I could not be reached but father.
I asked him to come home and talked what I found out over the conversation with my brother.
Since I needed to go out that night, talked with both of my parents the next day.
I really do not know how to describe their reaction though….
from that day and on for about 2 weeks,
I needed to go out at night to secure myself to the convenience stores
or at my friends’ house after my parents went to sleep.
I was scared since my brother was a night person.
I was afraid that he would attack me while my parents were asleep.
For 2 weeks, I tried to find somewhere I can stay for a while at night
until my brother got better to secure myself near my parents house
but I did not have the luck so I decided to move to one of my close friends from university in Osaka.
It was sad that my parents did not care enough to make me feel safe.
As I write this, I wonder why they were OK with me going out every night
to the convenience stores or friends’ house and did not do anything about it.
I did not notice that back then. Actually I noticed it now. It is really weird.
I don’t think I would be OK with that situation if I was a parent……
I talked to my band mate a short version of the above story
and he said he was sorry for me,
he said “it must be hard to go through”.
The word he said to me along with the story about his sister and his niece probably got me.
Non of my family said “it must be hard for you” to me.
When I went to Shimane to see my niece in June,
I had a little talk with my eldest brother about my middle brother and also our family issues.
All I heard was very harsh things for me.
We talked on the first night I got there and I felt like going home at the very first night I got there.
Didn’t leave since I went there to cheer my niece Karate tournament on Sunday
and it was only Thursday.
I really did not know what was upsetting me this time after about a week later.
Apparently it is because that someone else gave me warm words to me but not my family.
The band mate and my eldest brother is just an year difference
and I feel like him a bit like a big brother so I got all confused with his word I guess.
Why a stranger can be warm to me and not my family?
Why do they hurt me?
I guess they do not mean to though, it still hurts.
After 2 weeks from the talk, I still feel a bit powerless.
Got a lot better than the first week though…..
The good thing is that I know more about my family now.
I sort of believed that my family would help me in need. I know now that they don’t.
It is sad to notice that but better than not knowing it.
If I had noticed that my eldest had been hurting me all years since I was like 18,
I would not have talk to him our family issues in June when I went there.
I was so open to hurt since I just did not recognize the reality.
It is kind of odd that I believed that my family is the family who helps me in need though.
Someone who I can talk to.
Maybe because it was nice to believe.
People believe what they want to believe,
so probably that was what I was doing.
I found out that my middle brother’s symptom got all worse
that my parents could not ignore anymore.
They left him in-medicated for good 2 and half years after I left.
That upset me SO MUCH, that I cried so much back then.
I started to take counseling after last November.
I thought my problem was resolved in my 30s
when I understood that my mother’s unhappiness was not my fault.
Not because I was born.
My suicidal feeling was gone after I understood it,
but looks I still have subjects to solve.
I think that is to recognize what my family really like.
If I understood my parents correctly,
I would not get shocked when I heard about my middle brother got all worse last November.
Think back that they cared less for my safety 3 years ago,
it was quite obvious that they were capable for it.
I really want to be happy.
I mean I am usually quite a happy person, but get upset sometimes with my family issues.
I do not know how exactly but I really want to solve this,
so I can maintain my happiness as long as I can.
I know I am not the only one with weird family.
I really want to be happy and I really want everybody to be happy.